Kanye West: I'm sure after a few years I'll have to get a new house to put all my awards in.
(talking about a fetus)
House: What would we do if our patient were not just a tadpole? Say it was an actual person.
Cuddy: He is a person.
House: Thanks for playing along.
House: Okay, differential diagnosis. What's wrong with her?
Cameron: ... Him.
House: Does it matter? Does anyone think it's a testicular problem?
House: Me again. It's your friendly neighbourhood belly squirter.
(after asking the patient to consent to a dangerous procedure)
House: I know you can't talk right now so I need you to look petrified if you consent.
Patient: My baby?
House: The thing in your belly that tried to kill you.
Wilson: Ah yes, if it isn't Dr. Ironside.
House: Ah, if it isn't Dr. "I Had No Friends While I Was Growing Up So All I Did Was Watch TV By Myself Which Is Why I Can Now Make Pop Cultural References Which No One Understands But Me".
Wilson: That's my name, don't wear it out.
House: They're absolutely right. Don't trust that dangerous, experimental stuff. Much better to stick with the "moving the furniture until he gets better" approach.
House: I wouldn't have tortured you if I knew you liked it. You're on my naughty list. No leather stethoscope this Christmas.
Lawyer: What's this? Two strokes you've scared this guy into?
House: Yeah, it's making me question my reputation as a people person.
House: The Love Doctor has made an art of breaking up with women. Cause you're convinced that the loss of you would be too devastating for any woman to handle.
House: Me, I'm a freak. I get off on not being in pain. That, and chocolate covered marshmallow bunnies.
(knocking on Wilson's door)
House: I know you're in there. I can hear you caring.
House: It keeps me warm... and cool.
Wilson: House! Why the hell did you let an unstable patient wander the hallway?
House: His leash broke.
Cameron: Foreman's black.
House: How long have you been sitting on this information?
[[which led to...]]
Belinda: Robin has a man bag. [[Okay I don't recall seeing a picture of him with one but I'm sure he has one... somewhere.]]
Bernice: Maybe he stole it from Cesc.
Belinda: How long have you been sitting on this information?
Bernice: I have also been sitting on the information that he's Dutch. *pause for a long while* Now I'm going to use that in every conversation.
House: And a shen balancer. What the hell is a shen and why is it lopsided?
(about House)
Chase: He's so adorable! I just want to hold him and never let go
House: Livers are important, Cuddy. Hence the name.
House: Was it the part where he grasped my hand warmly in thanks, was that too much?
House: Jeez Chase, you and this strep. Get a room already!
House: You paid someone off? That is totally unethical!
House: And I'm not the one being sued. I feel funny.
(about Chase in the midst of a lawsuit)
House: May I speak to my future former employee?
House: There's this interconnected web of computers... called the "interweb".
House: The little blue pills [[more commonly known as Viagra]] are vasodilators. That's why you sometimes get headaches.
House: Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually I'm not sure how you spell it.
(about Hugh Laurie)
Bernice: I always love his face.
Me too, Bernice, me too. *laughs*(House is seeing a patient who has blood on his pants around his crotch)
House: Well, it's not lupus. Well, not everyone can operate a zipper. Up, down, up, what comes next? (guy pulls down his underwear, House recoils in shock) Put the Twinkie back in the wrapper. I'll call a plastic surgeon.
Wilson: What's the theory? This girl's body is a lemon? Faulty manufacturing, therefore it's falling apart?
Wilson: You can't do exploratory surgery on her brain!
House: Are you sure you're not a neurologist?
Cuddy: Are you high?
House: What day is it? If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
Cuddy: It's Wednesday.
House: (to Foreman, Chase and Cameron) Get me blood. Lots of blood. (to Cuddy) They're better. They've showered.
Foreman: (who is black to a black patient who thinks that he is racist) You think this is a tan?
House: And Dr. Rain Cloud had to rain all over the diagnosis and killed the little baby.
House: People don't bother me until they get teeth.
House: Going on the risky and dangerous route didn't work last time. It's bound to work this time. Start him on the amphoterrible.
House: Going to catch me a fish this big. (stretches arms wide open) Mekong giant catfish. Weighs over 600 pounds.
Foreman: Aren't those catfish critically endangered?
House: Yeah, which is why it's my last chance to catch one.
House: Oh, the old black guy who believes that the CIA invented rap music to make your people want to kill each other?
House: (about a patient with gangrene on his fingers) Pinkies are supposed to be pink, right? That's why they're not called grey-ies.
Cuddy: They're sleeping together?
House: If by sleeping together you mean having sex in the janitor's closet...
Cuddy: Here?
House: No, the janitor's closet at the local high school. Go Tigercats! Do you have one of those camera phones? 'Cause I got a mySpace account.
House: If you're wallowing in self-pity, I got something to make you feel better. (extremely happily) We're getting sued!
Wilson: That's it? You call me a coward, life goes on?
House: Apparently, you showed up.
(Wilson starts to leave.)
House: Hey. I'm sorry.
(Wilson accepts the apology, walks back to House's side.)
House: You're pathetic. I didn't actually mean that.
Wilson: Yes you did.
House: Did not... to infinity.
Wilson: You're pathetic.
Cameron: Flames?
House: It makes it look like I'm going fast.
Cuddy: I have sad news for you: She doesn't love you.
House: You're ugly when you're jealous.
Cuddy: She showed up at my house last night—came on to me.
House: She's even more perfect than I thought.
Cuddy: House. She's sick.
House: You say "sick", I say "freestylin'".
Cuddy: The girl will have sex with an invertebrate.
House: Come on. You're not that bad.
Cuddy: She has a problem. You're not doing her any favors by indulging her.
House: Why would you lie like this? Do you not have room in your heart for love?
Dr. House: I was listening to her heart. It went "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House".
House: I don't care what anybody says, I care what they do. Right now, Blackpoleon Blackaparte has got the nurses on red alert, I can't get into the patient's room. So come on, I'll draw the enemy fire, you outflank them, get in there, get the bone marrow sample.
House: You do realize that Blackaparte's reign is only temporary.
Chase: I also realize that no matter what I do, you're still gonna treat me like crap.
House: "Crap" is a relative term.
House: I'm happy to report that we're now so in sync we're wearing each other's underwear.
House: I liked you better when you were coming up with wacky drugs for us to try.
House: No. You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, it's psychosis.
Foreman: So I'm just a regular patient now?
House: No. You get your own thermometer.
House: His name's Baby Shoes, how bad can he be?
Chase: (as House is rummaging through the bodies in the morgue) What are you doing?
House: I called my mom. She didn't pick up.
House: Foreman, policemen are our friends. If we ever get separated shopping...
Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
House: If I'd shot a live person, there'd be a lot more paperwork.
Wilson: Right, because you're all about the nurturing.
House: Our children are our future.
--
Foreman: You're all about the nurturing.
House: Do you need a hug?
House: Yeah, I wanna save her. I'm morally bankrupt.
House: Now, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted by the liver transplant?
House: He's a liar and a manipulator.
Wilson: Well, nobody's as perfect as you.
House: You love everybody. That's your pathology.
Wilson: No wonder you're such a renowned diagnostician. You don't need to actually know anything to figure out what's wrong.
Wilson: He's not ordering you. He gave you a choice. You chose your staff. I know this isn't easy for you. You'll suffer. Vicodin sales in Jersey will triple.
Stacy: He's got that smug look on his face. When he's that pleased about something he's got to tell somebody, and the only somebody he knows is you.
House: You want to know how two chemicals react, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
House: My will may be weak, but my backbone is strong. And pain free, now that I've stopped using the cane.
House: You could've left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation.
House: You know what's worse than useless? Useless and oblivious.
House: Humility is an important quality, especially if you're wrong a lot. Of course, if you're right, self-doubt doesn't help anybody, does it?
House: Hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
Patient: What is that?
House: Painkiller.
Patient: Oh, for your leg,
House: No, because they're yummy.
House: You've been through her home?
Foreman: She lives in Trenton. I can go up to her room tomorrow morning and ask her for the key.
House: Would the police call for permission before dropping by to check out a crime scene?
Foreman: It's not a crime scene.
House: For all I know she's running a meth lab out of her apartment.
Foreman: She's a kindergaten teacher!
House: And if I were a kindergaten student I would trust her implicitly.
House: If the meningococcus is king of the hill, you get to have another seizure. Serratia will shut down your lungs. If it's cepacia, you'll have a heart attack. If it's the rhinovirus... you'll sneeze. (shrugs) Can't all be dramatic. We good?
House: Okay, I need you to roll over on your side, kiss your kneecaps.
Patient: Party time. I thought it only took one doctor to do this.
Cameron: I'm observing.
House: She's here to make sure I don't paralyze you.
Patient: You've done this before, right?
House: Successfully?
(He inserts the needle, patient starts and gasps.)
House: Felt like bone. Does that hurt?
Patient: A little bit. What are you doing? Owwww.
Cameron: Trying rounding your back a bit more.
House: You're perfect just the way you are. Oops, that was all me.
Cameron: You might want to move down one vertebra.
House: This is actually much harder than I remember.
Patient: My chest feels a little tight.
Cameron: Try taking a deep breath. Dr. House, maybe I should take it from here.
House: Eighth time's the charm.
Wilson: You know why people are nice to other people?
House: Oh, I know this one. Because people are good, decent and caring.
House: I know you care about her, but there is a code. Bros before hos, man.
Wilson: Why don't you buy your canes at a medical supply store like a normal cripple?
House: Fewer bitching choices. (to storekeeper) Okay, what do you got in bitching?
House: (sees cane) Bitching.
Chase: Why is Foreman resigning?
House: He wants to breed llamas.
House: It wasn't me!
Foreman: Maybe it was one of the other socially repressed asses I work for.
House: Maybe it was Aston Kutcher
House: These are not pancakes. These are macadamia nut pancakes. Wilson made them, and they're amazing. Little silver dollar slices of heaven. Forget the 72 virgins, if I get blown up in a restaurant, I'm asking for these babies.
House: There's something called "blude" in her pleural effusion. Oh wait, it's not "blude", it's blood.
Patient: It's about my bowel movements.
House: What isn't, these days?
House: Unless her body can't finish off the fight, maybe goes a few rounds and then gives up.
Chase: Why would it give up?
House: Maybe its name is Foreman. C'mon, where's that smile? That makes the whole world sunny without contributing to global warming?
House: You rang?
Wilson: You called me.
Wilson: How did you walk with the cane and two coffees?
House: Why are you suspicious?
Wilson: Because it's either that or accept the fact that you've done something nice. Then I'd have to deal with the horsemen and the rain of fire and the end of days.
House: I stacked them.
Chase: Wilson's moved in and apparently has unusally loud toenails.
Wilson: You didn't just believe him, you believed in him. House, I believe you're a romantic. Wanna come over tonight and watch old movies and cry?
House: What do you think of me hiring a nutritionist instead of a neurologist? I mean, they sound almost the same.
Wilson: Oh god she's 26.
House: But with the wisdom of a much younger woman.
Wilson: You got her number while your finger was in her boyfriend?
Wilson: Can this wait five minutes?
House: Is she dying?
Wilson: Yes
House: Within the next five minutes?
Wilson: They could build monuments to your self-centeredness
House: Climb out of your holes, people!
Wilson: You brought me out here to rant because faith annoys you?
Cameron: Are we even certain that he had a seizure? Hymn singing and healing, he does it all the time, doesn't he?
House: Now this is what I'm talking about. Foreman, you've got to steal this thing for me!
Foreman: Yeah, let me ring up one of the homies
House: I need a laser pointer.
Cameron: We don't have a laser pointer.
House: Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a laser pointer?
Wilson: (about House) He fell on his head as a child. It's tragic.
House: Gotta go. Building full of sick people. If I hurry I might be able to avoid them.
Chase: You two are too nasty to each other to not have been nasty.
House: I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.
Cuddy: How is it that you always think you're right?
House: I don't. I just find it hard to operate on the other assumption.
House: Wait, I'm having a moment. This could be Foreman's last time mistakenly suggesting adrenal gland tumor.
House: I'll get going on Foreman's farewell party. Everyone okay with a "mermaid under the stars" theme?
Cuddy: That means it must be somebody who thought he was protecting House, which means it has to be somebody who actually like House, which means it's either you or the weird night janitor who wears his pants backwards.
House: The wall between Wilson's office and this one is thinner than you'd think, so we need to stop talking about what a pathetic loser he is.
House: This conversation is over because I have officially run out of clever things to call the guy.
House: So your arm only hurts after you lie on top of it all night?
House: (to Wilson) Maybe she's feeling guilty about being born beautiful. So she's overcompensating by being nice to ugly people. Maybe that's why she gets along so well with you.
Foreman: He wants to be discharged
House: Oh sure. Places to go, people to eat.
Wilson: Selectively rational, stubborn, uncooperative. Maybe you ought to check his leg.
House: (guffaws loudly) Did you see what he just did? The patient's me... the patient's three mes!
(to a man who has been in a vegetative state for 10 years)
House: Don't worry about it. We wear recyclable clothes now. Wear them once, then eat them.
House: House's house of whining, state your complain!
House: And you probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
Patient: How long?
House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forever.
Foreman: "Body does crazy things". That explains everything!
House: Kind of digging this whole Foreman in charge thing. Frees me up to watch my soaps, catch a movie in the afternoon, have lunch with you...
Wilson: Yeah, big change for you
House: Good morning Jimmy! Anybody die while I was gone?
Wilson: Did you iron your shirt? (molests House's shirt)
House: Thought about shaving, but couldn't find a razor
Wilson: Here's a crazy idea. Why not you go talk to her?
House: Because my bestest buddy says that could lead to trouble
Patient: I'm not taking Ritalin.
House: Why not? All the cool moms are doing it. And your tox screen says you're cool too.
Cameron: You need to come back in. Margo's stable, but...
House: Oh my god, I'll be right there!
House: It said "confidential", and I wanted to know.
House: Grody.
Foreman: Looks like massive tissue death
House: Who cares? Her head blew up! How cool is that?
House: I'm saving a woman's life!
House: My patient's going to have a heart attack. It's going to be massive!
Cuddy: Oh that's too bad, because I just got tickets to a stroke on the third floor
Cuddy: You haven't, because then you'd have to confront your own emotions.
House: Is bile an emotion? Because I definitely feel something here.
House: Get me some liquorice. This is going to be the best heart attack of all time.
(nothing happens)
Cuddy: (in a comforting manner) There's always tomorrow.
Wilson: You're pissed at House. I get it. You're symbolicating killing him. Symbolicating. What? Symbolicalating? Gosh that's a hard word.
Wilson: I can't seem to put on my gloves today, that's weird. (after struggling to put one on) Okay, that's fine, one's enough.
House: Aha! You yawned!
Wilson: Aha! You tried to kill me!
Wilson: I'm not on anti-depressants, I'm on speeeeeed!
House: That means it's a symptom of a cerebral tumor, and you got six weeks to live.
House: They're anti-depressants, not anti-annoyance-ants.
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